No more going out and meeting with the cousins for a swim to this resort we annually go to. Well I guess all the kids have grown. Over the couple of years me, my brother and a cousin stopped joining the fun—high school happened—and this year my little siblings and the other cousin joined in as well so my mother & aunt decided to just ditch it. Not to mention the resort’s rapid popularity over the years which basically became a not very impressive sight for us all. It became overcrowded and chaotic if you know what I mean. I do hope we find a more decent place to spend Easters for next year and the coming ones because not spending time with the family on a holiday (on summer?!) is pretty damn sad.
As for the sunrise service me and my mother go to every Easter Sunday, well it didn’t exactly go as planned because of the messed up body clock plus the unwillingness that’s taken over my body & soul. I seriously need to work on this. I haven’t been to church in ages! Maddening.
Let’s face it I really don’t see the Revenge poster (or whatever you call it) very much appealing like that of the other series I’ve laid my eyes on so it took me awhile before I got myself to watching it (practically had to finish three seasons of Grey’s before I did). But man is it so freakin’ good! I love, love it! For the first time in ages I am not rooting for the underdogs (actually am all giddy over Emily & Daniel—usually I’d go for Jack but this time I didn’t; screams for that!). Since I’m all over it as of the moment I should’ve finish the whole season today but I can’t for I need to be at school tomorrow for enrollment. Sucks.
My days are pretty much composed of this. I can finish a season of 17-24 42 minute episodes in one sitting, even more if I don’t feel the guilt of killing my body. Currently on the 7th season (using my brother’s laptop since I don’t have the CD for 7th season so I’m watching it online, thank God the wi-fi’s cooperated) and I’m afraid I’d be watching it in pieces since summer classes starts on Monday.
The running & trying to be fit agenda of mine has been put to death. I’m always tired and too lazy to get up or even get my own food so I basically ask my little siblings to do quite a few things for me while I lie around; what more run.
Tomorrow it’s Easter me and the family usually go out and swim but with our current state (everybody’s body clock is messed up) idk what’ll happen. Let’s just see about that.
so I went through my drafts (as of now it contains 77 slightly-finished-slightly-not-paragraphs-and-photos-and-whatnots I attempted to write and share but forgotten about) and all I can think of is “I need my own personal computer!!” Even just for this summer! I need to work on these things (the tags, for example) and also rephrase my description since I have now entered quite a few fandoms. I cannot bear ask and/or demand for one since not passing the exams kind of ‘ended my right to asking things’ from my parents (you get me?) I feel like I have no right whatsoever now that I’ve failed and disappointed them—-I should not feel this way but I can’t help it they pay for my tuition! all I ever needed to do was pass and I didn’t. Bummer. There is no need to worry though for I won’t feel this way for a long time, at least I think I do. I will just need to find some way to regain those ‘rights’. . I heard financial management’s a no sweat 😜 let’s see about that.
I could use my brother’s laptop but the font is too small and the icons and I don’t feel like using it (not me-friendly). Might as well find a solution to this sooner. As for now, I’ll stick with my phone and my little brother’s pad. 😊
yes i am talking about the exam
why did I not pass
why did I let myself go through all this
Oh well, life happens
Que sera sera
I am taking a removal exam today at 8. Kind of like my last chance and unfortunately I am taking advantage. Spent more hours (seriously.) in watching Grey’s Anatomy than actually studying. Screw Accountancy. If it’s for me then it’s for me. The only thing more scary than the results is the enrollment process (imagine all the paper work i need to go through alone!!, saying my two other friends pass, not to mention the stress and looks of people and judgements and ugh). Also the face I have to put up when school starts again dammit thinking of these makes me want to pass but then I don’t want to struggle anymore I want my life back
The thought of me starting to need to study (again!) tomorrow is becoming more of a migraine than an ordinary headache.
I didn’t make it. There. I said it.
There were 56 of us who took the exam and only 36 are left standing. Guess what’s my standing? 37th. Thirty bloody seventh. It feels unreal. I mean I never saw myself in this state. I am used to passing these kind of exams and all of a sudden that kind of privilege was taken away from me. My circle of friends is composed of 4 people and only one is left to continue the battle. She deserves it and I’m happy for her.
Me and this friend had already chosen what course to take up and planned on what to do when this girl from the other section said the dean agreed to give us another chance. A retake. Unbelievable!! THEY CANNOT JUST MESS UP WITH MY MIND LIKE THAT. I mean I’ve already accepted my fate, welcomed it with open arms. As I said here before I did not do my 100% and if I don’t make it I have no one to blame but myself but there is no point in blaming myself when myself is already tired and full of all this accounting crap. You get me? So get over it. That’s the least I could do to me. I ‘should’ be happy they’ve given me another chance but that is just not fair! First, they’ve posted and announced and let the whole world know of their retention policy (no retakes and all that bs) and now they’re telling us there is gonna be one?! Screw you. Second, what about the ones before us? Did they have the same fate as ours? Did they had one too or were they left untouched and failed?
A sign. This is what me being the 37th is. It is not for me. But God works in mysterious ways and His works confuses me sometimes. Is this rank His way of telling me to fight still and this retake is my starting gun? Or is this (the ranking) His way of telling me it’s really not for me. I mean if it is then I should’ve made the cut the first time not some removal out of our dean’s kindness. Either she’s only doing this because she pities us or she’s afraid of what other people might think that having only 36 students in their third year is a way of telling the school and society that something ‘might’ be wrong of their teaching practice.
Answers—-what I need right now. I’ve got a lot of going on my mind. Will I take it? If I pass will I pass the coming exams? the board? the work? The future? Will I be a worthy CPA? I don’t think I can.
But if I don’t take this I know I’ll regret. BUT I DON’T WANT TO STUDY ANYMORE I AM SO TIRED DAMN THIS
Not gonna be laughing like that when I get the results tomorrow. It’s been postponed since Monday and it makes a little scratch on my heart every time I remember it—and it goes deeper each time. I just have to accept whatever life throws at me. May time some time but I’m not yet ready so I think I’ll sleep through tomorrow.
Today I went out with my little sister. We ran errands for our mother as she chose to stay at home to ‘lessen the expenses’ she said and also bought ourselves something to make the summer days less dreadful.